Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”