So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…