Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

23. the denim jacket

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.