Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Hitlers gonna hitl

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious