so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare