Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…