so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again