If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
fedex guy: here’s your package
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i’m a prison guard. when i sleep i go “*snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*”, my biggest fear in life is someone stealing the big ring of keys i keep on my belt
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey