@chaselyons

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

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@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@clichedout

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

@splendidland

i’m a prison guard. when i sleep i go “*snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*”, my biggest fear in life is someone stealing the big ring of keys i keep on my belt

@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@LnL245

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey