so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.


fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces


i’m a prison guard. when i sleep i go “*snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*”, my biggest fear in life is someone stealing the big ring of keys i keep on my belt


I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.


Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.


If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey