So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Pro tip for my good boys out there
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
somebody come look at this
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.