Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.