so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
You Might Also Like
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
BRO LMFAO
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]