Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

The news

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.