So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The little toadstool has spoken.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Look at this
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.