So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It was worth a shot 😂
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.