Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.