Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

What

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

ㅤ

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End