“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino