“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.