“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
#oldknees
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“No way.” -Jose
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My beach vacation Google searches
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*