Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Did a trash talking tree write this?

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

ㅤ

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are