So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
You Might Also Like
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
my sentiments exactly
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.