Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Sorry not sorry.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.