Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.