Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

same bro

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

*pronounces fake like saké*

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.