Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.