@jordanalexissss

sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.

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@BastardProphet

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

@internetluke

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

@truegritrumble

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

@D_Ciphered

My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.

@TheDrewRap

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

@blade_funner

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

@portmanteauface

The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

@heat_packingDr

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.