Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Never forget.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.