Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The second world war should have been called world war returns
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.