Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.