Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.