sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.