Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

found my next D&D character name

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM