Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

why I oughta

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

This is so wrong 😂

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.