Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

first responders? you mean reply guys?

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.