Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Breaking news:

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”