Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.