Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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wife
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wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Saturday
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Hitlers gonna hitl
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.