I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here
Obama: joe im on the phone
Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*Sees thing on floor
*Vacuums over said thing
*Vacuum cant pick it up
*Picks up thing
*Looks at it
*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum