Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess