Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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