Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.