Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You Might Also Like
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I wish I were this cool 😂
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.