Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.