Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You Might Also Like
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.