Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

At least try to make it slightly believable

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb