Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My love language is hissing.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers