Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Note to self: always read the final line
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.