Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.