Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
#MeanwhileInCanada
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.