Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*