Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

That’s incredible! 👌

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.