Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[montage of me giving-up]
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.