Social distancing in Australia:
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.