Social distancing in Australia:
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
The French cow says MEUX…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV