Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour