Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

War & Peace

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader