Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.