Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.