Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
lmao
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.