Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid