Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.