[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…