[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..