[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.