Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

😭😭😭

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.