Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Thinking about Jeff

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*