Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.