Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.