Social Media and Real life
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Just a phase…
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
A new level of troll.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]