Social Media and Real life
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.