Social Media and Real life
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
technique
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Come back with a warrant
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.