Social Media and Real life
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
How software testing works
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents