Social Media and Real life
You Might Also Like
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.