Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.