Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.