Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food