Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Put a ring on it
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.