Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Our lord and savoury.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”