Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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I used the label maker
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.