Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.