Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Talk about a bad egg
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.