Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now