Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Never forget.
let’s discuss
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”