Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

whatcha thinkin bout

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Saw this yesterday lol

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.