Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name